afowen.com

Tag: Humour

http://dontevenreply.com

by Alex on Feb.20, 2010, under Blog

Brilliant!

I love this kind of mick-taking humour, it’s like a less-sophisticated Henry Root, and I don’t mean that in the pejorative sense.

When I had the pleasure of finding this site the most recent post started:

Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc…..
Offering: cash, items for barter

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:

knife1

Looks like a normal spoon, right?

knife2

Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5″ half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Check out what other weapons were offered.

This too is similarly funny 27bslash6.

I’m amazed at how stupid the recipients of this guys banter are not to realise it’s a piss take…

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Let me google that for you

by Alex on Oct.02, 2009, under Blog

How many times do people ask you questions that can be answered with a simple websearch? Loads I’d warrant. I find it particularly odd/lazy, especially in and office-based situation, when it would have taken less time to google your question than to ask someone else and have them google it and give you the answer.

Anyway, here’s a particularly banterous way to deal with mundane questions and to unsubtly hint to the questioner that they might not waste your time and find the answer themselves:

Let me Google that for you (dot com)

Type in the question they’ve asked, copy the link that is generated by the site and e-mail it to them. The page they’re taken to shows their question being typed into Google and then takes them to the search results – brilliant.

Interestingly, well to me and maybe other linguaphiles (can’t find that word in a dictionary by the way) I’d written ‘find the answer themself‘ above. Apparently ‘themself’ is not good use of English, details of which are below:

Ask Oxford

Language Log

Canadian Department of Justice

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Why would you put an electrical socket in a shower?

by Alex on Aug.15, 2009, under Blog

Well, to plug the shower in.

Obviouisly…

shower
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Colombian mentalosities

by Alex on Aug.14, 2009, under Blog

There is so much stuff that happens here (in Colombia) that is mental. By mental I mean ridiculous, plain stoopid, things indicative of the fact that no thought whatsoever has gone in to their doing, stuff to which one’s only reaction can be one of incredulity. Etc… Don’t get me wrong, I love the place, and those who know me well will know that I love a good rant and there is so much ranting fuel to be found here without even looking for it. I’d not suggest that any of these things are Colombia-specific, rather things of Latin America.

The lying thing when requesting info is odd, and a pain in the ass. When traveling these parts many moons ago I quickly learned that when axing directions it was breast to ask at least three different people or parties. You could go with the first happy, smiley, confident answer, but then you’d often find yourself miles, or at least kilometres, out of your way, your frustration magnified by the fact that not only have you been sent on a wild goose chase, you have been done so with a 20-odd kilo rucksack on your back. And what’s the point? Oh oh, to save face I hear people say. Bullshit! Do you know everything in the world? No. Not even the most stupidly proudestest of people from wherever they mail hail is going to answer in the affirmative to that little question. So, with that in mind, might one of the things that you do not know be the location of place X? I’m not going to think any the lesser of you if you don’t know and even if I were to, who cares? You don’t know me and you’ll never see me again in your life. I’m certainly going to thing a lot the lesser of you when I find out you’ve sent me the wrong pissing way, cockend! Shirley even the most stupid can work out that it’s better to say ‘ask her over there’ than lie and send you off on a random mission.

So, saying we’re really drunk or drugged or something and accept this ‘losing face’ crap, how does that work with taxi drivers. With people in the street they can point and shoot, they can send you off without witnessing the end result, the taxi driver, by definition, is going to be there with you, that’s the point, that’s his bloody job! But they will still lie to you. Of course not everyone, I’m not and indeed it would be ridiculous to suggest that an entire culture of people act in this way, I am though saying that it is quite the norm. You can ask and double-ask a taxi driver, you can throw in trick questions and tests and you’ll be assured that this guy actually lives in the place to which you want to go, he owns it, he IS the place yet he’ll get arsey when you explain quite reasonbly that you’re not paying the fair as displayed on the meter as he’s been pissing about all over the shop driving round and round, clearly lost, asking for directions and wasting your bloody time having fully assured you in the first place that he knew exactly where he was going. Madness!

Customer service, customer cervix more like – it doesn’t really exist here. Again I generalise and of course you can find places where the staff are attentive to your needs but the norm is pretty poor. And I used to get pissed off with the crap we oft have to put up with in the UK! I was, the other day, trying to get to the bottom of how my hostel reservation has been messed up. The phone rings and the woman to whom I was talking who didn’t really seem to care answers. After about 20 seconds I realise that it’s not a business call and neither was she quickly telling her mate that she´d call back, she was full on gossiping! ‘Excuse me. Are you serving me or are you chatting to your friend?’ I ask. ‘Oh sorry, it’s my daughter and she’s calling long distance.’ She says. ‘I don’t care who it is, I’m a customer and you are in the middle of addressing my complaint.’ I say, at which she leaves her daughter and returns to our conversation which, of course, terminated unsatisfactorally – incredulous!

The above and a myriad of other examples can of course be explained by way of cultural norms. What I don’t get are the refrigerated busses, they are totally mental.

You get board a well appointed coach on which you plan to spend the next 10 to 20 hours traveling from one beautiful part to another in this most wonderful of countries. You recline your chair, it’s comfortable. You settle in, look around and then wonder why the locals have brought blankets and wooly hats with them. Very odd, it’s 30/85 degrees outside and, naturally, you’re in shorts and tee-shirt. Massive error. Some of the busses are pissing freezing! On the journey from Medellin to Bogotá I couldn’t sleep for the cold and I had a wooly hat, trousers and jacket on. It makes no sense. I’m dismayed at the apathy of the locals who rather than saying something about the ridiculous temperatures en masse and having it dealt with chose to address the issue by bringing blankets and duvets. And, I’m ravenously curious as to what might be the reason for this counter customer comfort and diesel consumption increasing practice. This is a real conversation that happened on that journey from Medellin to Bogota:

Me: Excuse me, can you turn the aircon down please
Conductor guy: No
Me: Why not? People are uncomfortable. Look around you
Conductor says something unintelligible to me
Me: Why won’t you turn the aircon down
Conductor just fucks off without looking at nor answering me

The only suggestion that has even a modicum on an iota of a possibility of having any sense whatsoever was that busses were kept so cold so that the drivers didn’t fall asleep at the wheel. I don’t though believe for one minute that the driver can’t adjust the cabin aircon separately to the aircon in the coach and even if he couldn’t he can open his frigging window. So, if anyone out there knows what the freezer-coach thing is all about please let me know. I’m dying to find out.

There is stacks more to rant about but that’s enough banging on for today. I’m off out for more Bogotá wanderings…

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Non-vulgar yet nonetheless funny use of the word ‘cum’

by Alex on May.20, 2009, under Blog

The pics below appeal to the pseudo-puerile part of my sense of humour. They were taken in India:

                               water-park
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Down The Line

by Alex on May.17, 2009, under Blog

Some fantastic comedy has come out of Radio 4 over the years, many later becoming high-profile TV shows. I could research and give loads of hexamples but I can’t be arsed. Have I Got News For You and Who’s Line Is It Anyway are two that spring to mind though.

Anyway. Down The Line is classic. It’s a spoof call in show with Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson probably being the most famous participants, staring Rhys Thomas as the host Gary Bellamy and featuring Amelia Bullmore, Simon Day, Felix Dexter and Lucy Montgomery.

Listen to it – well quality!

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Tostones, or maybe patacones

by Alex on Apr.30, 2009, under Blog

I first had tostones in Colombia, I think. But they were called patacones. They are, I guess, the nutritional equivalent of chips/fries and I suppose not so different taste-wise. I knew they were simply fried plantain but until last night I had no idea of exactly how they were made. If you’re a lover of both chips and diversification then read on to discover how to conjour up an alternative to the west’s most beloved deep-fried staple.

Some tostones, yesterday

(continue reading…)

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When no can’t possibly mean no, apparently

by Alex on Apr.28, 2009, under Blog

There are lots of street vendors here, in Granada (Nicaragua). Those who have stalls and those who walk round the streets selling their wares. Some of the wandering ones sell goods for the local market such as wallets and mobile/cell phone chargers, and cheese. Well, I guess that primarily they are aimed at the local market but that doesn’t stop those eager to sell from touting their goods to all on Sunday (mum, I know you’re wondering – that’s a bastardisation of ‘all and sundry), irrespective of whether they are local or tourist.

‘Do you want cheese?’ exclaimed a guy sporting a large aluminium pot atop his head. (continue reading…)

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Mini Supers

by Alex on Apr.12, 2009, under Blog

When I was little, everything was mega. Mega good, mega skill (spelled with two ls as ‘they’ said that skil with one l was an American bum disease, so one had to stipulate), mega lush, mega ace, even mega tiny. The fact that mega tiny was an oxymoron didn’t bother us. One, as we were four and so had no idea what an oxymoron was, and two, mega in our vernacular simply meant ‘very’.

mini-super

Mini super though? What is that all about? (continue reading…)

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Gotta lotta bottle

by Alex on Apr.09, 2009, under Blog

For those of you who didn’t grow up in the UK, or did but are too young to remember crap 1980s TV advertising, you can see where the title comes from below. For the rest of you, who are no doubt humming the tune or at least have it going on in your head, why not click away and return briefly to those halcyon days of dodgy perms, massive shoulder pads and day glo jumpers.

Click me

So, bottles… Back in the day, it was perfectly normal (in the UK at least) for drinks manufacturers to re-use their bottles. You’d buy some awful, sugary, carbonated, tartrazine-laced concoction from the corner shop and on returning you’d get your 10 pence deposit and probably spend it on a sherbet fountain or some Black Jacks (probably now called Chalk Jacks or White Jacks), bouncing home on a sugar high. Sadly, for those of an eco bent, the days of bottle reuse is limited to delivered milk, and who gets milk from the milkman (milkperson, bovine lactate product delivery agent) nowadays? (continue reading…)

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